As a resolution this year, I really wanted to write. I wanted to begin a blog and actually write on it. Almost every day. As a way to connect. As a way to improve my writing. Most importantly, for me, to sort out some problems and issues through writing about them. At the time, I was thinking the problems would be my kitchen counter tops, or the unfinished tile in the bathroom.
Little did I know, my boyfriend would tell me HE didn't want kids and move out. Today. On January 1, 2012. This was the person with whom I was going to create a life, a family, a home. I was -- and still am -- surprised. Surprised and devastated. Surprised and devastated and heartbroken.
I want to drink a bottle of wine, smoke a cigarette, and go to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel like I've lost who has become my closest friend and my last chance at a family.
I am 37. I don't have many more chances left and I'm scared. I so desire a family that I've set up my life -- my career, my home, my proximity to good schools and my family -- to do so. I hate feeling like a cliche. I hate that I'm a stereotype. But my desire for a family and baby, override those feelings.
HE wasn't a perfect person. HE wasn't ideal. But I thought HE was a good person, who would make a solid, funny, silly daddy, and I loved HIM. and HE seemed to love me.
I'm doubting all of that now. I'm doubting HIM. I'm doubting HIS love for me. Most of all, I'm doubting my ability to pick a partner and a potential dad for my family.
Since I'm a teacher, I have this week off work. and I'm dreading it. Here. At home. Alone. and lonely.
I'm angry that I let my well organized, well planned life be changed and molded by HIM, and I'm nervous about rearranging my life to make up for HIS absence. I hate that I've got to invent things to do for the times I've would've been with HIM. I am going to hate coming home from school when HE's not here. I'm going to hate cooking only for myself. I'm going to hate cooking something and having to eat it for days. I'm going to hate going to sleep by myself and waking up without HIM. I'm going to hate putting away Christmas by myself -- even though HE was a self proclaimed scrooge. I'm going to hate that I got used to living with someone -- HIM -- the first person I've ever really lived with -- and now I've got to adjust to living alone again. I'm going to hate to get HIS mail. I'm going to hate being here without HIS help.
I am hurting, hating, and in pain.
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