HE might be right

As part of the whole nightmare that was Sunday, the day HE moved out -- HE also asked me a question which I had been thinking a lot about anyway.
Do you think you drink too much?
I nodded. Yeah, recently, I do.
I can recall a time when I put my automatic wine shipments on hold because my wine rack was full. Lately, if I had any wine in there at all, it was gone within days. I could easily drink a bottle in an evening and sometimes two bottles. I stopped buying nice, read, expensive, wine and started buying super cheap wine so I could afford this habit. I'd make up an excuse to visit the grocery store, 7-11, Fresh and Easy to buy wine if I didn't have any. I really looked forward to the wine at night. I would still like to look forward to this. Unfortunately, I can't seem to have one glass of wine. One glass makes me want two which makes me want 4 which makes me want the next bottle. Apart from the calories and the weight I've gained, it isn't good for my body to drink that much and isn't good my mind to be pickled like that. It would help me numb-out and sink away. It allowed me to occupy myself and fill my time and eliminated the need to think..really think and really feel feelings.
I could avoid most feelings and thoughts by pouring a class of wine and sinking into the couch and...being numb.  I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm not sure at what point this changed for me. I know I like wine, but I've always liked wine. I can recall meeting DAM for dinner and drinks and having more than I'd ever have before...and liking it.  That's my first recollection of it. Certainly, it's not DAM's fault. He never had to talk me into the next drink. I always willingly ordered up. Whatever or where ever the change happened, it happened and I went from being a social drinker to being a social...alcoholic to being an....alcoholic. Or at least I was well on my way to such.
I'm happy to say that I haven't had a drink since last Friday. That's one whole week which is the longest I've gone in months, I'd say. I haven't missed it much...a bit...but nothing intolerable.
I hope I can have a glass of wine someday and leave it at that. But I know I can't now. And so, I'm leaving it alone and giving up my wine.

Here's the thing..

The thing is, I don't think I was all that nice to HIM. As I'm reflecting back, I think I focused on the "bad" aspects, the things that made me a bit crazy -- instead of focusing on the good parts, the parts I really appreciated and loved. I've done this with other men also. I don't know why I do this...
Maybe I've known they weren't right for me and so I pick, pick, pick...
Maybe there's been other issues that I've been afraid to address and so I pick and focus on the little irritating things....

Also, I want a baby. desperately. I was thinking today about rejoining POF and looking forward to being excited and also filling my time, if I'm honest. But because I want a baby so much, I'm not sure I trust myself to make the best choice about a partner. I think I might jump into something with anyone who says they want a baby, just to get my baby. Maybe the best choice for me would be to have this baby with a sperm bank and then worry about finding a partner?

I have.

Have you ever refused to get up from your table at a restaurant and walk across the big open room where everyone can see you even though you really had to pee? 
Do you ever look away from the glass doors at the entrance to a building so you didn't have to see your reflection?
Have you ever refused to go somewhere because you couldn't find anything that fit?
Do you ever eat something and wish you hadn't?
Have you ever avoided being naked with a loved one?
Do you ever avoid looking at photos of yourself?
Have you ever caught a reflection of yourself in a mirror, door, or seen a picture and being horrified, disgusted, and ashamed?
Have you avoided someone you haven't seen in awhile because of how fat you are?
I have.

What was it?

I know there is the big problem of HIM not wanting children. But HIS behavior the past couple days -- so mean, hurtful, and angry -- makes me think there's more. What was it? What about me or loving me made HIM so angry? And what caused HIM to turn so fast? HE was claiming HE loved me the night before HE moved out. But how does one love and say such horrible, mean things? and how does one end a relationship without a backwards glance? and without an ounce of sadness?
I'm baffled and hoping for closure -- even though I know that's a self-helpy bullshit word. I still want it. I want to autopsy our relationship. I want to know what HE liked and what HE didn't.
Did it bother HIM when I didn't wear a bra at home? Maybe I got too comfortable?
Maybe I'm too demanding and expect too much?
HE said I loved my pets more than HIM. Not true, but how awful to feel that way...I don't know exactly what I did to make HIM feel less loved than my cats, but I wish HE could tell me. I never want the person I'm with to feel less loved than my pets.
I texted HIM at 3:00pm and said something like "does it feel weird not to have spoken to me today? It feels weird to me." HE said -- "no, not at all. lol"  After seeing each other every day for months on end and speaking upwards of 20 times a day -- not speaking to me doesn't feel weird? I'm that forgettable?
As if I asked Are you hungry?
As if I wasn't asking for reassurance that this is hard for HIM too. Evidently, how upset I am is inversely proportional to how un-upset HE is. 
So, tell me, internets, what was it?

Happy New Year...or not

As a resolution this year, I really wanted to write. I wanted to begin a blog and actually write on it. Almost every day. As a way to connect. As a way to improve my writing. Most importantly, for me, to sort out some problems and issues through writing about them. At the time, I was thinking the problems would be my kitchen counter tops, or the unfinished tile in the bathroom.
Little did I know, my boyfriend would tell me HE didn't want kids and move out. Today. On January 1, 2012. This was the person with whom I was going to create a life, a family, a home. I was -- and still am -- surprised. Surprised and devastated. Surprised and devastated and heartbroken.
I want to drink a bottle of wine, smoke a cigarette, and go to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel like I've lost who has become my closest friend and my last chance at a family.
I am 37. I don't have many more chances left and I'm scared. I so desire a family that I've set up my life -- my career, my home, my proximity to good schools and my family -- to do so. I hate feeling like a cliche. I hate that I'm a stereotype. But my desire for a family and baby, override those feelings.
HE wasn't a perfect person. HE wasn't ideal. But I thought HE was a good person, who would make a solid, funny, silly daddy, and I loved HIM. and HE seemed to love me.
I'm doubting all of that now. I'm doubting HIM. I'm doubting HIS love for me. Most of all, I'm doubting my ability to pick a partner and a potential dad for my family.
Since I'm a teacher, I have this week off work. and I'm dreading it.  Here. At home. Alone. and lonely. 
I'm angry that I let my well organized, well planned life be changed and molded by HIM, and I'm nervous about rearranging my life to make up for HIS absence. I hate that I've got to invent things to do for the times I've would've been with HIM. I am going to hate coming home from school when HE's not here. I'm going to hate cooking only for myself. I'm going to hate cooking something and having to eat it for days. I'm going to hate going to sleep by myself and waking up without HIM. I'm going to hate putting away Christmas by myself -- even though HE was a self proclaimed scrooge. I'm going to hate that I got used to living with someone -- HIM -- the first person I've ever really lived with -- and now I've got to adjust to living alone again. I'm going to hate to get HIS mail. I'm going to hate being here without HIS help.
I am hurting, hating, and in pain.